My heart became hot within me. As I mused, the fire burned; then I spoke with my tongue: "O Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am!"

12 May 2006

Oh, if it were true

Perhaps you, like me, get spam. Not the wonderful nearly-meat product, but emails tailored to annoy you and consume your inbox. But perhaps you don't get the same type of spam as I do. Somehow, I now get "pastor" spam. They know where I am and what I do, so I regularly get emails with subject headings like: SEED OF FAITH! Dear Beloved in Christ... and so on. These emails are usually (1) from someone in Africa, because, hey, who doesn't like Africa? and (2) promise amazing amounts of reward if I would simply send them my bank information (yeah, it's on its way).

If these emails were true...

  • I could get $5.6 million from Janet Hamson in Kuwait, whose husband left her this money. Now she's dying of strokes (poor Janet). She really wants to give this money to someone who will use it for orphanages and widows and nice fluffy things like that.
  • If I would only contact Mr. Uba Ego in Paraguay, he will send me $800,000! What, oh what, am I waiting for?
  • Barrister Greg Mba (what's a barrister?) is ready to make me next of kin to the unforunately deceased German Andreas Schranner. Although he doesn't say how much, this involves a "huge sum of money to" my corporation. You know, the Jared corporation.
  • Poor Mrs. Jane Fowler of Dublin had her whole family die. Luckily (?) they left her $10 mil. Although I can't get the whole thing (she wants 6 million to go to "ministry"), if I give her my info, she'd set me with a cool three million for my efforts. Boy, it's a good thing she got saved and is ready to be so generous to complete strangers in Indiana - it's part of her revelation from God. She doesn't even know if I like Dublin or not.
  • I've won the Euro Lotto sweepstakes! I get 12 million Euros (is that a lot?). Somebody in London really likes me.
  • Mr. Sunny James, from Nigeria, is representing the late Mr. Henry and Doris Williams. Their earnings totaled $25 million, which is all sealed in a trunk somewhere in Europe just waiting for me (and my ministry). How cool that God led Sunny to find me on the internet after he was finished with his "fasting and prayers."
  • Maxwell in London has less than 18 months to live and wants to give $20k to our ministry. Sorry, Maxwell, but this just doesn't stack up to the $25 million I've got waiting for me somewhere in Europe.
  • Finally, can you find it in your heart to help Kebi Moyle, a Lebanese who's now in Ghana, hoping to come to America? See, he's got a lot of money to buy a house with, but wants you to keep it for him until he gets here. Boy, he trusts you more than I do.
So, if only this were true, our church would have roughly 60 million dollars to do "ministry." I guess we'll just have to stick with the Holy Spirit.


quaintlittlehead said...

Jared, Jared, Jared. "Barrister" is a British term for lawyer. Tony Blair is a barrister. Sigh.

You know, I could have been "lucky" for the rest of my life if I had just sent you and fourteen other people a picture of a Hindu elephant idol named Shree Somethingorothertoolongtopronounce. And I'm supposed to give you candy in its honour too. It must be like Hindu Halloween.

Jared said...

What would I do without you, Elizabeth? Alas, I fear I have let Tony Blair down...once again. I hope he finds it within his British heart to forgive my ignorance.

I for one would like to see the elephant. I'm feeling unlucky.

anna r said...

this is off topic from your post...the books i told you about, for easy reading in bed.

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